Decision Tuesday

My cousin took my to my doctor appointment that day. It took an hour for the blood draw. I thought it was a good thing the lady who did on Friday was doing it again. In retrospect she was a little too close to us already and was super kind, and couldn't do it after 2 pokes and all of us crying. Then another lady came, and she was not kind but she did it in one stick. They still ended up needing my cousin to help them out by passing things to them. Then we talked to my doctor's head nurse about some things, while we were waiting for the blood results to come back. She came back in with my doctor and my oncology team and we started discussing having someone come in and help. Each member of the team had important information they relayed. Then my doctor looked at the latest blood draw results (chemo wasn't working, my liver is failing very quickly) and asked if my cousin/family knew the seriousness of it and then she switched the topic to hospice. I have to hand it to my cousin who didn't breakdown during all these things. She displayed strength and grace during this incredibly stressful time. My doctor gave me several hugs and then the team left and came back in with some other information which they wrote down. We went to the pharmacy and did some FMLA stuff for R. I spent the rest of the day trying to tie up loose ends and visiting with family and friends who were helping. I didn't want to call my parents and tell them, but eventually I did. It was hard.

I was a little relieved about going on home hospice. R and I had talked about it several times and knew that it was a possibility when we found the cancer had spread. Though later in the evening I was discussing it with my cousin as we were picking C up from his friend's house, and I was worried about this choice and my family. My cousin reminded me that the doctor's suggestion was made through her experience as a doctor and her experience with me and my specific case and multiple test results.

Then my aunt brought an oncologist that I wanted to talk to about my options. He listened closely to everything I communicated and then reaffirmed our decision. He kindly took a long time to answer the many questions we (R and I and my family) had about home hospice care and how that would affect our family and quality of life. Both R and I are at peace with this decision and can see so many things that have fallen into place by I feel a loving Heavenly Father who know we would look to Him. I know He wanted us to see the love and miracles on this path. We have already and I know we will see more.

After the doctor left we went and cried with our kids. The kind of cry all those plates of cookies can't make better. I know we will cry more, I know we will love more.