Happy Nevada Day!

I think actually Nevada Day was yesterday, but I know the parade is today. This post will have one awful paragraph, and the rest will be full of kindness.

Awful Paragraph
On Wednesday night I took the bandages off my chest. R said he would assist me but I did not want both of us to pass out. As it was I nearly passed out and he had to help me anyway. I had somewhat tried to prepare myself to see the long harsh scars with staples in them, but it is different seeing them on yourself. The discharge instructions are clear that it is a dramatic emotional process, so we waited until the kids were in bed and my mom was taking care of the Baby. The cuts are so severe looking, which I think is good in a way because cancer is such a severe thing. Severe and harsh though are not words that I generally use to describe myself. It is hard to reconcile what I see with how I feel. What has helped is compassion for myself (was it President Uchtdorf who talked about the importance our relationships with ourselves?) and the knowledge that scars change over time. What I see today is not what I will see next week after they take the drains and staples out, or the week after and so on.


The first day I came home from the hospital I thought all the cups tasted too much like plastic or soap. My dear husband let me know yesterday that when I came home I tasted like plastic from the anesthesia mask, but he was glad to kiss me anyway. I told him I will get plastic tasting lip gloss and he can enjoy it all the time.

L and C are enjoying all the letters from relatives. They are so excited every time. Plus every letter they get C says is the nicest letter he has ever gotten. One family wrote us letters for FHE and I got a nice picture from my niece where she spelled not only her name, but mine as well.

My visiting teacher and the R.S. President brought over some freezer meals that the teachers at L and C's school prepared. Many people brought over flowers (the YW, the Bishop, my neighbors, my visiting teaching partner, I hope I remembered everyone). R claims one of them smells like sagebrush right before it rains.

Someone was acting out family history when she sent L and C a little something to buy a treat. It reminded me when MJ's grandma gave him a little bit of money, and when she was chastised for wasting her money on her grandkids she said it was one of her joys to to do that. (I think those were the people involved in the story)

A few nice ladies are encouraging my mom and letting her talk about all the crazy stuff and sent their love with her. Then Pop-Pop came up last night. He was willing to bring things up for people like the can of Similac from the neighbors. We asked him who sent the other stuff up and he said he did not know it just kept arriving at the house. Thanks Henderson! He is also a good diversion, because if he is here that means more Halloween festivities are about to begin.

Today we got our first Similac coupon. It made me cry because of the love sent with it. This coupon came all the way from Minnesota. Along with the coupon my aunt sent this adorable booties that she knit. We are grateful and humbled by the thoughtfulness.

The Remarkable Young Women

A little more than five years ago I was an Activity Day Leader. Our ward was so big I helped specifically with just the eight year old girls. Then I found out I had cancer and at that time I was no longer able to hold that calling, my dear friend in the Primary Presidency carried that calling for me. After I had cancer I have been the YW Second Counselor (Beehive Counselor) almost the entire time since. I love all the young women, but I was especially excited a few years ago when the girls I had for Activity Days turned 12 and entered Young Women. I loved them as Activity Day girls and I loved them as Beehives. All the Young Women we have in our program now I have had the opportunity to have as Beehives. It is such a delight to see all the young women grow and progress. I am more than happy when they ask me to write letters of recommendation for them, and could talk about how great they are for hours. They are amazing in so many ways, and such an example and a light to those around them. The girls gave me so much help and joy when I was pregnant with Baby.

Last Sunday I told them about the cancer. This was an emotionally difficult thing so I had the YW President help me (see I am learning). I know of several of the different trials they have had (especially their lovely friend in the other ward who had her own struggle with cancer) or currently have in their life and I did not want them to worry about me. Looking at their beautiful faces as I stood up there, I could feel the love the Lord has for them. I am honored that both times I have had cancer that I can associate with their extraordinary spirits. This is a blessing in the lives of my family and I. They are remarkable, if anyone can have one leader have cancer and the other leader have a traumatic event with her son, they can.

Do you have a recliner?

Before we left the hospital they asked us if we had a recliner. When you have drains in you have to sleep only on your back and not roll on your side either. Also it helps if your arms are elevated to reduce swelling and pain. We do not have a recliner, but we have lots of pillows. I feel like I have slept as well as can be expected. They also recommend you wear soft button up shirts, because they are easier to get on. I have just been making do with baggy soft long sleeve cotton shirts.

The right side (the side they also took lymph nodes out) has been numb, and is only now starting to regain some feeling in my arm and chest. This is kind of good because it has not been in pain much and maybe is healing easier.

I had sort of an idea of how to treat my right arm because I had similar issues though on a smaller scale last time I had cancer. Both times I could not lift anything more than five pounds until after the first post op visit. Last time I did not have a 12 pound 3 month old so it was easier to obey those instructions. My mom thinks carrying the baby in the car seat from the car to the house is the equivalent of one mile walked. We might just leave the seat in the car. Of course L and C have better motor control and are gentle with me. The Baby is still developing and I hold her on my lap and feed her the bottle (with my arms supported by pillows) a little farther away from me than I would like. My mom is good about letting me do what I can and picking up the slack for all the rest of the baby care.

Yesterday I felt just well enough to be annoying. I was awake more, but could not really do anything. It was like I suddenly realized a thousand things I wanted to do, but could not so I tried getting those around me to do them, in addition to all the other stuff they were doing already. I was very impatient with myself, but my husband and my mom were much more patient with me. My behavior bothered me and I thought about it this morning and decided while it does not matter when the baby swing tray rests when it is not is use, I want it to be where it usually is because so much else has changed. We had a family meeting this morning, and I talked about my fear of so much change so fast. The kids both got into helpful hard worker mode, and I promised to look away more and accept change more. My husband and my mom are just continuing in taking care of all of us.

Maybe you can tell this morning I woke up in not the best mode. I was stiff and sore and tired, and thinking about all that is still ahead. After I had breakfast I remembered something that helped me last time - music. We listened to a few fun songs and it really helped melt those feelings away and let me focus on the good moments I am having now.

More Prayers Needed

I found out earlier today that the 11 year old son of the YW Advisor who works with me (and is my good friend) is on his way to Primary Children's Hospital. His name is Ben Anderson. He has heart problems and nearly drowned last night.

Please send some of your strong faith, love, and prayers their way.

Prayers were answered

Disclaimer: I am still taking narcotics.

On Tuesday morning R and I traveled into town so I could have a bilateral mastectomy, port a cath placement for chemo, and axial lymph node dissection. I also had a sore throat and runny nose. After consulting with the anesthesiologist, he explained he would be more concerned with a lower respiratory infection than an upper one. Then we waited and waited, because the surgeon was running behind. The anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to take the edge off, I honestly told him I did not need anything, I was calm.

They said we could watch tv, but we are not big tv watchers so R and I read supportive emails on his I-Pod touch. Of course we told anyone who would listen about our three precious children waiting at home with their grandma. Some of the nurses remembered me from when I was in there earlier this month.

The surgery took about 2 and half hour. I found out what cures an upper respiratory infection, general anesthesia. After the surgery I did not have sinus pain or a runny nose anymore. As I was waking up the nurse asked if I wanted my glasses on, I said not yet. R said it was because I was not ready to face reality. I heard the nurses talking before they went and got R, they said to get the husband that looks the right age (we were the youngest ones there). I felt alright when I woke up more which was good because I wanted to get home to my kids and my own bed that night. I asked the nurse if it would be okay to hug my kids and baby tonight, and she said it was. This nurse stayed past her shift to make sure we had one on one care.

Disclaimer - a icky part - skip this paragraph if you get grossed out easily.
The nurse showed R how to take care of the Jackson Pratt drains. I have three tubes sticking out of my body, one for each side and the lymph nodes. These tubes drain blood and body fluids to collection bulbs. Every four hours we push the fluid down to the bulbs, then empty the bulbs into a special cup. We record how much fluid is collected in each area, then flush it away. The first time the nurse showed R how to do this he got kind of woozy and had to sit down. The petite nurse was glad my 6 foot husband did not try to tough it out and then faint. After awhile he was able to see how to do the rest. Then he has continued helping me do this process every four hours, except for once when he took a walk and my mom helped. My neighbor hooked up me with a great free camisole that has an inside pocket for the tubes and bulbs. I did throw up at the hospital a few times and at home a few times. R took care of it both times at home. He's the greatest!

The nurse showed us how to take care of the dressing and tubes and how often to take the painkillers. After general anesthesia I always do two things, get really cold and cry out for my children. R asked the nurses and I did not cry out this time. I was cold so they brought my favorite thing when that happens, a warm blanket to wrap around my head. They wrapped me up in warm blankets and waited until my color came back. From the time I woke up until we left every time they checked my vitals I was great, 100% on oxygen and so on. I was a little shaky when I walked, but that was perfectly normal considering what I had been through. I was doing so well they said I could go home and see my kids before they went to bed, and to just take the warm blankets with me. My mom had prepped the kids that I would look sick. When we got home they were excited to talk about the surgery day boxes. Then we did light hugs and kisses and Baby just smiled. It was a wonderful ending to a difficult day.

As we drove home we talked about how supported we felt and grateful for the prayers offered on our behalf. It is very humbling. My aunt let me know that the family fast was on my grandma's birthday (I will trust her and not try to proofread that information). We believe in eternal family relationships and know that care and comfort can come from many places. Our family was well taken care of on such a hard day. We are glad to have taken that first major step in cancer treatment. A bad part about having done this before is the dread of doing it again. The flip side is remembering the encircling of love we felt last time, and feeling the love, if possible, more now.

We appreciate all the love and support we have received. It really is making the burden lighter to carry.

Surgery Day Boxes and Letters

We had a little bit of a surprise Tuesday morning. The Fed Ex truck dropped off a package from a small town in Idaho to L and C. We did not open them before we left for surgery. Later while we were in recovery we called and asked them what was in it. They told Rex a bunch of stuff and it seemed hard to believe, especially the part about the goldfish.

When we got home they carefully showed us what L and C and Baby got in their surgery day boxes. L said she knew there was so much stuff that they only started reading the books and were going save the rest for chemo day boxes. I told them that they could open all of it and use all of it now, and was surprised at L's and C's selflessness. We were touched my aunt's thoughtfulness and generosity. The boxes were full of their dream chemo day box items - gum, Taylor Swift, Legos, and on and on. I know it lifted the burden for them that hard day.

If that was not more than enough then they received individual letters from their favorite grandma aunt, and R and I did too. I really appreciated the part for R in there, since most of the phone are for him asking about his wife. Plus when we were waiting for the surgery to start R we read supportive emails from parts far (we'll go the 8) and near.

Family Home Evening

Last night we tried to have Family Home Evening between the supportive calls and cookie drop offs. Our kids were acting sort of anxious so we had a question and answer period. Most of their questions we about chemotherapy. Since that treatment has not been finalized we did not have many of the answers that they wanted.

We also talked about the surgery in more detail. It was much more detail than L wanted, and she hid her face behind the blanket for part of the time. She also tells R how embarrassed she gets when I talk about reconstruction or protheses to people. It is good to know she is a normal 10 year old girl.

C was having a particularly hard time, because he was confused. He thought I would lose all my hair during the surgery and other little mix ups. C seemed to feel better after our discussion. At the end he declared, "I guess it is easier to replace body parts than to replace my mommy."

Of course I do not know how much Baby is taking in. This morning (the last time before surgery) when I fed her the bottle she looked at me and smiled the whole time.