I did not want to go yesterday

I had a hard time being motivated to go to chemotherapy yesterday. I remembered all the time I went before and yet the cancer still came back. My mom was here, my friend had set up another movie party for the kids, and my husband had taken the day off, and I still did not want to go. Luckily I am at that point in my life where I do things I do not want to do.

Last time I was there I noticed they posted other patients' Christmas cards in the office. Since I think ours is so nice, I wanted to bring it in. There were many more Christmas cards than last time, but only one other one that was a picture one like ours. The non-chemo side went faster this time. I also had put numbing cream on before I left the house so I only felt pressure when they put the big thumb tack into the port. The doctor was hopeful again, and he was there. Some of the other doctors had already one on vacation. Then we went to go wait at the chemo side. We noticed a couple had been waiting there awhile and asked them how long they had waited. They told me about their full schedule of doctors visits they had that day for the two of them and how now they were behind. The nurse came out to get us and I brought up the point that this other couple had been waiting longer. The couple chimed in too. The nurse agreed to check on it, and brought them in soon after.


Scarf I wore to chemo



The chemo room was buzzing. As we sat down a lady who had breast cancer and her husband has brain cancer told me she knit hats and asked me if I wanted one. The first two were a little too mature for me, but the last one was appealing. I thanked her. People are always starting or finishing treatment, and since I was there five hours I saw most come and go. Every person when they left said, "Merry Christmas everyone!" Then all the patients who were awake and support spouses like my husband would say, "Merry Christmas to you too!" Usually there were about twenty people in the room shouting holiday greetings. When I left there were only two other people there, but I still told them Merry Christmas. There was also a rowdy cowboy there, who comes in for treatment from an even further distance than I do. He came from about 3 hours away. There is also a dutiful daughter about my age who brings her dad. They always sit in the same place and she brings her own chair, gets him a blanket, reads while he naps and so on. I brought my loving warm quilt.

My husband left for awhile to do some last minute shopping while we were in town. I took that time to become better acquainted with the patient and his wife beside me. We shared our chemo regimens and side effects. Of course we talked the most about our families. Right before my husband came back he finished treatment and so he took down my name to put on his church's prayer roll. Then he prayed for my family in the quiet corner of the chemo room. It reminded me again of how almost every interaction I have with a chemo nurse, doctor, or patient leads to some sort of discussion about God. After hearing about my situation a nurse, doctor, or patient always says something about trusting in God. Then I talk to them about my feelings about faith, and the blessings I recognize in my life right at that moment. It just seems easier to for me than it normally is to share my feelings about something so personal.