I was justing waiting for the right one

In November when I had chemo I was a little chilly, but I had my coat. I remembered that I had a small quilt that a friend made in 2005 when I had cancer the first time. Actually she made 3 quilts, one for me, L, and C. As this chemo was approaching I considered that quilt and a number of different quilts, blankets, afghans. There was the giant blanket with many pretty colors one of the Young Women knit for Baby. Surely Baby would not need it for awhile. She has so many other blankets. I have a retro colored afghan that came from my great grandmothers' house. There is the really warm blanket my sister brought back from a trip to Mexico. I knew the new king size electric blanket from Henderson would be a little too big.

It was something I was thinking about, but not worrying about. Eventually the right one would present itself. On Friday the right one came from Utah in a box through Idaho.

Some of my aunts and a few of my cousins sent their love and hugs in a blanket for chemo. No wonder I could not decide on the blankets here. The right blanket was not here yet. The card that came with it said "The cross stitching stands for love - like when you put your arms over your heart in sign language."

Wow! I took it out of the box, and held it and Baby at the same time. It is soft flannel, and she kept snuggling into it over and over again. I like to think she could feel the love too.

The blanket was at the bottom of the box of magical surprises.

Tis the Season

The last week of school before Christmas break usually runs at breakneck speed. There are class parties, special projects, teacher gifts, booster activities, baking, and still homework. I like to be involved in all those things with my family. This year we simplified.

I was planning on scaling back my involvement anyway. I like lavishing attention on Baby. It is such a short amount of time I have with her before she goes to school.

Family history is one of the few things that I think I am still involved in as much as I would be if I did not have cancer. I mean I did limit my involvement in the book editing and helping my extended family, but locally people still ask me for help every few weeks. These kind people do not need research help (I am not the knowledgeable about that), but just figuring out how to get their information in the new Family Search (I can help with that). Last time I had cancer I was not that involved with family history. Then one aunt told me another aunt said I would be one of the first ones in our whole extended family to be able to get on the new Family Search website. I was excited to see what that was all about. The excitement just stayed even, I am finding out, through cancer.

Happy Birthday

My cousin, Rachel, was born on this day, almost a year before I was. Last time that I had cancer she came out and helped me, because besides being cousins we were the best of friends. Her husband helped take care of her two small children so she could visit. We enjoyed ourselves immensely while she was here. Rachel was a drive herself eight hours to jump on the trampoline with the kids kind of person. On her drive home she was killed in a car accident. It was devastating.

Right now Baby keeps looking up at me, because she knows something is wrong. Baby is named after her.

When we found out the cancer returned I felt like I had failed her. All that happened and I could not even manage to stay cancer free.

Wait - I did not want the cancer to come back anymore than I wanted her to die. Blessedly I realized that as soon as I said it aloud to my husband. I am often my own worst enemy.

After the failure feeling left the more familiar missing her feeling came. It would be nice to be able to tell her things and then hear her replies. Right now our communication is often one sided.

Last Tuesday at the YW activity one of the other leaders said, "I think all the Beehives are getting taller, and may be taller than you." So of course I had to stand back to back with them to see if indeed they are taller than me. Some are and some are close to being taller. I thought of Rachel and how I always thought and she did too, that I was taller than her. It was not until months after living together that we stood back to back and realized that she was taller.

L told us recently about how they learned about the Sydney Opera House at school. It reminded me of how much Rachel loved the people on her mission to Australia. I had to get married during that time so I would have someone else to hang out with. My sister and my cousins sent letters to Rachel keeping her up to date on their opinions of him.

At General Conference time I told my kids how we slept in line outside the Tabernacle to get into the balcony for General Conference. Rachel drove her car and I brought my little hymnbook. We ended up sleeping by some people she knew from Orem. One them was a boy, who also sat by us in the balcony. Rachel bravely took the seat closest to him.

After the blessing of Baby we had a luncheon for family back at our house. We had Hawaiian Haystacks which was a throw back to the reunion Rachel and I raised the bar on family reunion meals. Along with her mom we had a theme to our meal with decorations, and favors based on a luau. I brought L and C and she brought A, and neither of us brought our husbands.

I am glad I got to love Rachel.

Baby and the Doctor - Part II

Let me explain the doctor situation again.

It is uncomfortable for me to tell people I have cancer. I would rather keep things on a lighter level, not a life threatening level. I know however uncomfortable it is for me, it is often even worse for the people I tell. I have had the most time to deal with it. Telling people feels like lobbing an emotional grenade in their direction and hoping it does not blow up near them. It is rare the person who is emotionally fortified enough to withstand the initial blow in a graceful manner.

When I told the nurse Baby was on formula now due to the double mastectomy, I knew she was expecting an answer like, "I am starting to work again." I wanted to shrug my shoulders so I did not have to lob the emotional grenade. In an ideal world she would have reacted in a more professional manner. It was not our regular nurse, so I have no idea of her background or anything else that caused her to react the way she did. I do know I was uncomfortable telling her and she was uncomfortable hearing the answer.

Baby did regress. We knew that before we took her to the doctor. I felt guilty before I took her in. I felt guilty she is in her car seat more than L and C were. I have felt guilty about not cutting her fingernails often enough. My mode of mom guilt is -feel guilty, see if there is anything I can do about the situation, if there is do something, if not move on. When the doctor said she regressed, the way she said was more in a reassuring, this is normal in high family stress situations, kind of way. She also pointed out how Baby was ahead in some ways. Actually the areas she regressed in were areas Baby was advanced in before. I am sure the doctor has probably never dealt with this specific type of situation before, almost no one has. She was just trying to help by saying Baby regressed not due to developmental delays, but the family situation.

It is my belief that Baby came ready for this situation going on in our family. These are some of the reasons why I feel that way. She took the bottle the first time we tried it. She started giggling and laughing early. She is the most even tempered child in our family. She started recognizing her parents as her primary caregivers before she started having other primary caregivers. I think she was prepared to regress in the time after the mastectomy and before the chemo. She became advanced in some areas, regressed in those same areas, and now is not behind as compared to other normal children. It could be so much worse for all my kids and us. It is really amazing how well everyone is actually doing. I know it is because we have so much love and support in our lives that help us carry this burden.

Divine Encouragement

Yesterday was the ward Christmas party. L was an angel and C was a wise man. I originally thought I would be too exhausted to go. I was tired, but wanted to see my kids in their parts. There were two angels and I coordinated with the other mom. She brought the white robes, and I brought the gold star garland for the waist and hair. C wore his Harry Potter robe and some fabric on his head. He wanted to wear his Harry Potter glasses too, but I discouraged that. L brought her friend and they decided they were too cool for Santa this year. C was a little disappointed Santa would not let C sit on his lap. We did not even try Baby. She was taking her bottle during the time Santa was there, and not interested in much else.

We had ward conference today and our Bishop quoted from a 1998 conference talk by Sheri Dew about the Holy Ghost. This quote stood out to me.

The Holy Ghost enlarges our minds, our hearts, and our understanding; helps us subdue weaknesses and resist temptation; inspires humility and repentance; guides and protects us in miraculous ways; and gifts us with wisdom, divine encouragement, peace of mind, a desire to change, and the ability to differentiate between the philosophies of men and revealed truth.

I know that before the pathology report came back confirming we had cancer, and in the first few weeks we needed and received divine encouragement. I told a friend during that time we could not possibly have cancer because I could not see how it would work out. The divine words of encouragement said it would and started to show us how. It seems like such a simple thing, but it was essential. It helped us remember that "the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest," applies to homes in the middle of nowhere and doctors' offices an hour away and everywhere in between.

Love from Henderson

My parents stopped by yesterday bringing love and care from Henderson. It is not a small town anymore, but my family is still part of a close knit community. We are so grateful for all their support to our family, even though we don't live in Henderson.

The town I live in now reminds me of the Henderson I grew up in, seeing everyone at Smiths, trying help each other by giving rides or whatever is needed.

One neat Christmas tradition growing up in Henderson was that Santa Claus would come to our house and visit with us on Christmas Eve. He would pass out candy canes, and say he would be back later that night to bring our presents. He even visited our family the year we moved to a new house.

Short Hair

Last time I had cancer my hair fell out. The way it fell out was distressing to me. I would be holding one of my kids or helping them get out of their car seat and big chunks of my long hair would fall out. After a day of that I had my husband buzz it. When I learned my hair would fall out again, I knew I wanted to have a different experience. Fourteen to twenty one days after chemo my hair should fall out. I went to the hair salon this week and got my hair cut short. I donated the rest to Locks of Love. One of my friends came with me to help with Baby. She slept through the whole thing. She woke up at the end and smiled at everyone. Of course if I had not brought a friend she would have been awake and fussy the whole time.